When In Pegasus
by memyselfandi89
Summary: When in Pegasus, do as the Expedition does. However the Lanteans' have some pretty strange things to do.
1. Wraith I

When In Pegasus

_Summary: When in Pegasus, do as the Expedition does. However the Lanteans' have some pretty strange things to do. The SGC might want to consider getting Heightmeyer some help._

_A/N: Erm, don't ask. Really. It's probably better for whatever remaining sanity you may have. But honestly, I should NOT be allowed to get this bored (stupid political science class) when I've got either access to a computer or a pencil and paper 'cause things like _this _happen. So if you feel up for a dose of insanity by all means read on, however, you prefer to keep your brain cells intact stop right now and don't read any of my stuff. _

_Disclaimer: Nope not mine. Who knows? Maybe if I butcher it enough they won't want it anymore and I can own it! Hey, gotta have a dream.

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Things to do when encountering a Wraith

1) Run away screaming

2) Empty P-90 or 9 mil clip into it then reload and repeat

3) Spray them with mace

4) Tell him if he kills you he has to do your homework

5) Start crying

6) Stab him with a spoon or stake (I'm going to cut your heart out with a spoon!)

7) Tell him you have mad-human disease

8) Tell him that the physicist tastes better

9) (If you're the physicist) Tell him the flyboy with the hair tastes better

10) Compliment him/her on their teeth (my, what large teeth you have!)

11) Threaten to sue

12) Invite them to a BBQ (courtesy of the Daedalus and her rail guns)

13) Inject yourself with the Hoffans drug (hey 50/50 chance beats dead)

14) Hand him a grenade and tell him he's got to try this great fruit from BYE-321

15) Offer to give him your little sister/brother

16) Tell him he needs to get a hair cut 'cause he looks gay

17) Inform him that the Goth look is so last culling

18) Pull out a scissors and tell him if he touches you he can kiss his pretty hair good-bye

19) Point out that he really needs a manicure

20) Blind him with that bloody pen light of Beckett's (the light on your P-90 works too)

21) Ask him nicely if he could please stand on the big red X in the middle of the floor

22) Throw a cat at him (just make sure it's not Rodney's)

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_Well if you had any lingering doubts about my insanity that should clear it up for you. If you were even the littlest bit amused by this could you please pretty please with a cherry on top drop me a review? I've got more if even one person is interested. _


	2. Wraith II

_The rest of the Wraith list is here! It was to long for one chapter. Thanks to those who reviewed! I really like them.

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Things to do when encountering a Wraith II

1) Bore him to death with a detailed explanation of how grass grows

2) Tell him you're his father's nephew's brother's cousin's former room-mate

3) Tell him he has to fill out the paper work and write a 20 page essay explaining why he should be allowed to eat you

4) Give him a copy of the New York Times

5) Say 'Look' and point behind him then run away like a bunny rabbit being chased by a pyromaniac with a flaming marshmallow on a stick

6) Regal him with Monty Python songs (I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay!)

7) Have your team mates land a Jumper on him

8) Using a blowgun, inject him with Beckett's retrovirus

9) Slay him with crony jokes and bad puns

10) Smile and wave

11) Tell him you'll give him indigestion

12) If you happen to be force-sensitive, turn to the dark side and zap him with force-lightening

13) Confuse him with ghetto talk (it's okay if you butcher it)

14) Sing eighties music to him

15) Challenge him to a karaoke contest (WARNING! This may cause serious mental problems)

16) Threaten to suck his brains out with a straw

17) Call him Grandpa and give him a kiss

18) Tell him he looks good for 10,000 years, doesn't look a day over 7, 000

19) Eat garlic then breathe on him (this may constitute as cruel and unusual punishment but hey, they had nothing to do with the Geneva Convention)

20) Play dead

21) Tell him a bedtime story and hope you bore him to death

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_TA-DA! Next up everyone's favorite bad guys. Give it up for… the Genii!!_


	3. Genii

_Okay people, come on, let's hear it for THE GENII!!!

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If you meet up with the Genii

1) Don't believe a word they're saying

2) If they ask for an alliance, smile, tell them you'll think about it then get the heck outta Dodge and don't go back

3) Shoot them (if questioned about that just say they were dewraithified wraith)

4) Tell them they can have 'their' C-4; just make sure to put a detonator in it first

5) Nuking their compounds is always a good option

6) Let Rodney explain wormhole physics to them in great detail (this may result in suicide for any listening so remember to bring ear plugs)

7) While hovering over them in the Daedalus, tell them you're pushing for galaxy-wide disarmament

8) Push them off a cliff

9) Land a Jumper on them (always a good option)

10) Give them a grenade and tell them that they're supposed to pull the pin, let the spoon pop, wait 10 seconds _then_ throw it

11) Tell them that sparring Ronon and Teyla simultaneously is a piece of cake (if they fall for that then they're too stupid to be allowed to live and so deserve to get killed)

12) Helpfully offer to give them a ride to a hive ship to nuke it then take off and leave them there

13) Use them as targets to help train the Marines in how to use the Jumpers drones

14) Play "Truth or Dare" with them and dare them to kiss a wraith

15) Let Teyla cook for them

16) Offer them the services of Dr. Biro

17) Go to your happy place (such as a decked out warship full of Ancienty stuff)

18) Ask them to name all of their leaders for the past 4 years (this may take a while and cause great strain on their mental capacity)

19) Bring them to Earth and assure them that they'll have the time of their lives swimming with the sharks and feeding them freshly caught, bloody fish

20) Give them playdough and tell them it's C-4

21) Offer to trade with them, tava beans for wraith action figures

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_So did I miss anything? If I did tell me and I'll go back and put it in (unless I'm using it elsewhere). I'm thinking the To Do Lists are gonna be coming next. If you've got any ideas about those I'm more than open to suggestions. In the mean time; I really like reviews (sweet innocent look)._


	4. To Do: Sheppard

_Wow, can't believe you people still like this. You are all well and truly insane!! That was supposed to be a compliment. And now, for a look at how Sheppard plans his days.

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1) Use 9mil to smash annoying alarm clock to bits

2) Get new alarm clock to replace the one from this morning

3) Steal… um… _procure_ the last doughnut before McKay does

4) Flirt with all the pretty girls in the hallway

5) Make up excuse to avoid getting a physical

6) Implement excuse to avoid physical

7) Attend briefing

8) Fall asleep during briefing

9) Get lecture by Elizabeth for falling asleep during briefing

10) Find Rodney and annoy him

11) Pack up and head through the gate

12) Get attacked by freaky looking natives for desecrating their 'Sacred Ring' (aka the Stargate)

13) Get separated from team and find help from an ultra-sexy priestess

14) Find team and get back through the gate

15) Get shot going through the gate

16) Wind up in the infirmary

17) End up getting that blasted physical anyway

18) Escape infirmary

19) Get caught and stuck back in the infirmary where Beckett's drags out the big needles and cheerfully says "Time for your booster shots!"

20) Get drugged and go to sleep

21) Find better ways to spend my days

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_Well there you go! I was gonna post this sooner but the stupid computer was being stupid and stupidly wouldn't let me upload my stupid files. My next victim is looking like Teyla so far but that could change. _


	5. To Do: Teyla

_Okay in all honesty, I paid no attention whatsoever when I was writing this. My eleven year old sister did about half of it. And it took me longer to get around to posting it. Sorry to anyone who cares. I've been enjoying spring break way to much and I'm only two days in. YIPPIE!!

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To Do: Teyla

1) Wake up from nightmare about being a wraith and sucking Rodney dry (there's a silver lining to every cloud)

2) Meditate; complete with doing the splits and candles (note: need more candles)

3) Go to mess hall and play the clueless alien in order to get a doughnut (Krispy Kreams)

4) Beat the crap out of Sheppard with sticks

5) Call Michael on the Wraith Psychic Hotline

6) Try to convince Sheppard and Rodney that the rocket boosters on the Colonel's skateboard are a very bad idea

7) Assist them to infirmary when proved right

8) Spar with Ronon and beat the crap out of each other

9) Go off world to negotiate trade agreements

10) End up negotiating for the release of Sheppard, Rodney, and Ronon, and try to explain that they have a mental disorder and couldn't help themselves

11) Go back to Atlantis and tell Beckett that they were exposed to some sort of alien bacteria (revenge must be had!) and it would be a very wise idea for Carson to give them a shot (with a very big needle) in the butt

12) Meditate so as not to kill the immature males of my team next time I see them

13) Attend post mission briefing and rat them out to Elizabeth

14) Take great pleasure in listening to her rip them a new one (I do like that earth phrase)

15) Feeling satisfied, take a shower and go to bed and dream of popcorn

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_(stares at the list) Okay I really need to get mental help. I know just the cure, REVIEWS!!! They'll make me very, very, happy which in turn makes me more insane! Which should make you happy as well_. )


	6. When You're a Genius

_Okay I'm finally posting the next bit of insanity. They'll probably be coming a bit quicker for a bit now that spring break is over (sobs pathetically). Hopefully you people are still interested.

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When you're a genius…

1) That automatically makes everyone else stupid

2) You never make little mistakes; instead you save them up and make big, huge, colossal ones

3) Coffee is an absolute must and is to be obtained at all costs

4) Telling the whole galaxy about it can cause a few small problems. Ex: getting kidnapped to build bombs

5) Women always go for the other guys and the ones who do like you are evil

6) You can use words with 16 syllables and know what they mean

7) Tact is a total waste of brain cells

8) The directors love to torture you (hazmat suits, leg traps, freezing water)

9) Sleep is so over rated

10) Power bars are manna from heaven

11) A hang nail can be very painful and can easily get infected and kill you

12) You work pretty good under the threat of impending death

13) Keeping chocolate stashed on you at all times is a very good idea

14) You can make SPF 100 sun-block with the simulated aroma of coco butter

15) You will always be called upon to find a solution to an unsolvable problem so be ready

16) You tend to be oblivious to your surroundings so keep a marine or something handy when going off world

17) You are smarter then every one else so make sure they know it

18) There's always a time limit for you to pull off the impossible so no lollygagging around

19) Duct tape can't fix everything (don't tell Red Green that) but it can be used to tape your team leaders mouth shut when you make an idiot of yourself with the ladies

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_So... (puppy eyes) How about some reviews for the poor little penniless obsessed fan? Please? I'll give you chocolate!_


	7. Meeting the Natives

_A/N: Ahem, yeah so maybe I won't be updating very much. For anyone who cares, sorry 'bout that. I had finals to study for and I HAD to pass my poly-sci class just to keep my mom off my back if no other reason, then I finally got a job so I went from bed to school, to work, to karate or church, then to bed so I was NEVER around a computer and if I was I had no motivation plus I've been working on a LOTR fic that just won't seem to end. Darn thing.Ah right so this is all I got, for the mentally ill I say 'enjoy' for those who are not insane 'what the heck are you even doing on this sight!?'_

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_When meeting the natives…_

1) Be sure to leave your pride on Atlantis 'cause you're bound to be humiliated

2) If they seem friendly they're probably not

3) Don't let the leaders daughter(s) see Sheppard

4) Be sure to ask about their marriage rituals so you don't end up married to some 100 year old, toothless, bad smelling, crazy witch doctor

5) Please ask nicely to see their sacred artifact (ZPM) before trying to make off with it

6) Duct tape Rodney's mouth shut (saves so much trouble)

7) Do NOT trade C-4 with them

8) If they have something to good to be true, it is

9) If they have a really really cool weapon that'll kick some major wraith butt, it's either broken or it will be soon

10) When you get that bad feeling _listen to it for cryin' out loud!!_

11) Avoid freaky unexplained rituals, they _will _get you in trouble

12) Remember that bows and arrows, no matter how primitive, are still able to cause owies (just ask Rodney)

13) Insulting their god(s) is a very bad idea, to live a long and healthy life it highly recommended that you do not do so

14) If you find their secret underground bunker just back away and pretend nothing happened

15) Playing Kirk will either get you A) In trouble, B) Out of trouble, or C) both

Note: If you are unwilling or unable to do any of the aforementioned it is highly recommended that you do not ask to join any of the off-world teams (esp. SGA-1)

Thank You

Major Lorne and the other off-world team members except SGA-1 who will most likely kill us when they read this.

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_How 'bout reviewing for a poor, broke, sleep deprived college idiot?_


	8. Kidnapping

_Wow, check it out, an update! You can either thank or blame _lakewater_ for this for actually reminding me that I had this thing. Oops. In my defense college can really suck for finding time to write. _

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1) When kidnapping is involved… 

2) Be as annoying as possible

3) Insult them if they are wraith/Genii/ugly or if you just feel like insulting them

4) If they're hot use your good looks and charm to try to get out of it

5) If you're Rodney forget about the above

6) Confound them with Earth sayings

7) Ramble on about Ferris Wheels, Celine Dion, which knife is your favorite, or speculate on why Teyla likes to hit Sheppard's butt with her sticks (not recommended if you are Teyla or if she can hear you)

8) The point of 6 is to make their eyes glaze over so they don't see you when escaping

9) Pass out Ronon's knives and jump the guards

10) Start chewing on the bars of the cell (they'll think your mentally challenged and feel bad about kidnapping you so they'll make you King/Queen or a pretty little planet with servants to attend to your every wish)

11) Spend the whole time giving them a dopey smile

12) Tell them your names are Han, Chewie, Leia, and Luke and the ship they shot down is the Millennium Falcon (just because)

13) Tell them you have friends "Up There" (Apollo, Deadalus)

14) When you escape or are rescued (depending on who you are) blow the place up cause it's just so much fun!!

15) When debriefing make it sound good, okay? Never admit to being kidnapped for a stupid reason (like picking their sacred flower of a group of fanatics or something)

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_If you want more you're probably gonna have to pester me to get it. Not that I don't want to write I just need a kick every now and then. Suggestions help too since I'm kinda running dry. I'll lay the blame for that on my idiotic Lit class. Oh and reviews help too. A lot.  
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	9. Games

_Okay I would have gotten this up sooner but the Internet is being stupid again and it took FOREVER to do ANYTHING! This is thanks to Duchess67 for being so nice and crazy and giving me ideas. Thanks!!_

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When playing games…

1) If Ronon says "it'll be fun" have a medical team standing by

2) Be sure to explain to violence happy aliens that when playing baseball knocking the pitcher out does not count

3) Putting butter on the twister mat is a bad idea

4) Teaching Ronon and Teyla games like Life and Monopoly is a complete waste of time

5) Scientists, Marines, Ronon and American Football do NOT mix

6) Playing Operation is a good idea as the skill gained may actually be used at some point (_cough_ Sheppard's team _cough cough_)

7) Don't do Scavenger hunts with the scientists, they cheat

8) Paintball should only be played off world unless you feel like cleaning up the mess with a tooth brush

9) Trying to find a ZPM is really just a bigger version of Doggie Doggie Where's Your Bone? With various bad guys passing the ZPM around behind their backs while you point and guess who has it

10) Hide and Seek is not only a game it pays to be good at in Pegasus, it is also a mandatory training exercise for everyone in Atlantis and has various applications such as hiding from the wraith, medical staff or McKay

11) Using the Jumpers for parasailing, water skiing and tubing is so worth the punishment you get

12) Playing Truth or Dare is not recommended

13) Don't play Halo with the scientists, they'll hack the game and manipulate it so your kick butt guns shoot out daisies and the grenades cause a flower shower

14) Musical chairs is hazardous to your health

15) If you play capture the flag you can use real jail cells, the flag is a depleted ZPM and stunners are allowed

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_proud dopey grin That was fun. Managed to do the whole thing from writing to posting without waking up the 10 week old ball of fluffy puppy terror too. OH YEAH!! How 'bout some reviews for poor little ol' me? And suggestions are still wanted!  
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	10. Entertainment

_Eh-hem. Oops? In my defense life went crazy on me (holidays, everyone getting sick, my brother visiting on a break from Basic Training, the Internet being stupid for a while, watching a 10 week old Poodle assistance dog in training (Pepper), getting our own 7 week old yellow lab assistance dog in training (Vegas), work, arranging classes for Spring semester). Anyway chapter inspiration came from __**Duchess67, lakewater, and LinziDay**. Thank you!! I kinda combined the suggestions into this. Have fun!_

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How NOT to entertain yourself in Pegasus... 

1) Play pranks on the scientists (revenge will be swift and painful)

2) Make sheep jokes about Beckett (big needles people)

3) Poke Ronon and point to the guy on the other side (he's not stupid ya know)

4) Run through the city yelling WRAITH!!! (just… don't)

5) Never, NEVER swap the coffee for decaf (self-explanatory)

6) Insult the food in the mess hall (things can happen)

7) Make girl jokes around Teyla (do you have a death wish)

8) Prank dial the Wraith, Genii, Chaya ect. (er… well maybe you can)

9) Do NOT paint the jumper yellow or you WILL die ("we all live in a yellow submarine" )

10) Steal Beckett's hair gel (why does no one ever mention _Carson's_ hair? _Look_ at it!!)

11) Play Ding Dong Ditch on Ronon's door (he knows how to use that gun people)

12) Using those hand shake shocker thingys on anyone (RIP)

13) TP the gate room (saying it was for Christmas won't save you)

14) Take the jumpers for a joy ride (can you say 'bad idea'?)

15) Recruit Ronon to re-enact the lightsaber fights from Star Wars (medical team to the gym)

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_Okay folks that wraps that little dealy up. I have no idea when the next one may be coming but feel free to bug me to get more done if you like. Oh and if any of you are dentists could you tell me how to pull the evil puppy's really really sharp teeth that really really hurt when the make contact with my poor abused skin? Owww!! Can't wait 'till that faze is over with. And seriously why **does **no one ever mention Carson's hair?  
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